I was once told that I was nothing without this certain somebody. That I had nothing going for me. That I was stupid for thinking I could do anything without them, and that when the going got tough, I would be back.
It angered me.
Especially when your self esteem is already so low that you can’t see your own value.
Even more so when they’re from a person you trust.
At points in my life I believed these words. Not wholly, but enough to push aside a deeper voice that was telling me these words were untrue. After all, they weren’t the first person in my life to act like I was a burden. It’s almost as though I was groomed to expect neglect and anger thrown in my face.
Oh you want to use me? Go right ahead! Let me roll out the welcome mat and become super vulnerable first.
Honestly… that part of me is an idiot.
This version of me laughs at the thought of someone ever speaking to me like that. Ohhh no, no, no, don’t even attempt it! But the old me… oh, the old me. She was so naive. Easily hurt and too understanding. “Too nice” they all say. Blinded by love and all too ready to hand out second chances a hundred times over to people so undeserving of them. Boy, did she learn! I don’t miss that version of myself. I miss parts of her life but I don’t dwell on the illusion of perfection.
Over the past few years my life has been a crazy ride. I have had to face harsh truths about people I loved and more so, the person that I thought I was.
It’s not easy to have a marriage break up and watch your life fall to pieces. To lose everything you had worked for your entire adult life.
Can you imagine how you would cope? Losing your home, your friends, financial security, assets, love, a self-built career, day to day stability and then eventually… your children. To anyone on the outside you know that life looked so perfect, but you? You know better.
Eventually after it’s all happened you find yourself asking questions like, was it worth it? (Yes.) Am I a bad person? (No.) Do I even deserve a life? (Yes.)
In my right mind I know the answers. At times though, the message is not so clear.
It broke me. In every way.
It shattered my soul into a million tiny pieces and I, along with friends and family both old and new, have slowly been finding those pieces and putting them back together again. There are, however, a few pieces that I find on my own and decide to toss out altogether. That person is gone. Instead I have space for new pieces to grow and make me whole again. I like that. It’s an exciting time.
I’ve learned more in the last few years than I did the rest of my entire adult life.
I wasn’t ready to write about life at that time. To be honest when you’re living it, life really is done one day at a time. There is a fog-like feeling over you constantly. You don’t sleep. You don’t know what time it is, what day it is, where you’re meant to be. Hell, even knowing your own name can be a struggle. Because of this there are parts of my life that are just a blur and some that I truly can’t recall.
It has been fight or flight mode for years now and the emotional strain it’s had on me is horrendous. For the most part I function like a regular person but you best believe that there are certain things… people, that cause me to break down and take me right back to a place that I wish I could escape.
As time has gone on it has definitely gotten easier to get on with life but in typical fashion just when you feel like you’re getting on top of things, life switches it up, throws up it’s middle finger and laughs as it screams a major “F*ck you!”.
As they say though, pressure makes diamonds and I’m over here, still shining. Living, smiling, making plans to polish up and sparkle so bright that my light brightens even the darkest corners of life.
I’ll share a few experiences from that time in my life. Things that have shaped me to become the person I am now. Maybe you’ll be able to give me advice or share your own stories to help me know that I’m not completely crazy.
One thing I know for sure though, is that I am not what someone tells me I am.
I am what I choose to be. Strong, intelligent, resilient, a lover and most definitely a fighter.
I’m a work in progress and that’s alright with me.